If you’re looking to buy a luxury home in Philadelphia and you need 1) a pool, 2 ) an insane view everyone in New Jersey will be jealous of, and 3) a place no Dallas Cowboys fan could ever afford – and you don’t want to spend over a million, then I have the place just for you.
One quick stop downtown and you’ll find these sweet condos with 2k square feet to roam around in E_A_G_L_E_S EAGLES gear, throw paper airplanes off the deck with funny notes about Giants fans, and call your friends in Dallas to talk about how the missed the playoffs this year. When you’re done doing all that, don’t forget to remind the three Washington Redskins fans that they have a terrible team too. When you’re done dishing out the details on all three, then go take a lap in your indoor victory pool.
Think I’m kidding?
This place is the ultimate dream and it won’t cost you a million. It might cost $350k-500k, depending on how hard your agent works.
Let’s see some pics.
Here’s your new indoor pool. Let any non-Eagles fans in here to wash the salt off.
Here’s your sweet balcony No one has a view like this that overlooks the water, Philly, and whatever crumbs you can see of New Jersey and that overpriced aquarium where the animals all look sad and the kids are bored. No one except for your neighbors of course. They literally have a balcony just like this, but you can be friends and have nice things together.
If they’re not an Eagles fan, then maybe you need to speak with the landlord and have them evicted. Well, have an intervention first and see if you can give them some therapy, but if not, it’s no deck for them. They need to be evicted. No questions asked. Worst case scenario, leave a bag of uppity poodle poo on their front step and they’ll get the idea. We’re from Philly. No one likes us and we don’t care. We also don’t like them either and don’t need some weirdo in a 1997 Starter jacket with a big star giggling around our place to live and polluting our air with “we dem boys” – because “dem boys” went home and they don’t live here.
When you’re not soaking up the indoor pool during a blizzard, or gazing at the stars with your latest OkCupid date on the balcony, then you can head right into your huge open layout kitchen, dining, and living area where your friends who make less money can oooh and ahhhh. You can also rip shots and break tables like the Bills Mafia, but make sure that’s uploaded to YouTube and I get it first.
I’m not showing you those rooms because the bedroom is where the head of the house 1) makes babies, and 2) sleeps, and both of them will be happening for anyone who buys this place.
Here is your new swanky bedroom.
I know right away what you’re thinking and I’m not really sure what the previous owner does with the telescope, but I’m kinda curious. I think we should see this home and request the owner be present, because who seriously has a telescope in the bedroom and what is it pointing at?
Don’t even act like this wasn’t pointed at a building where someone on the 8th floor of an apartment complex left the shades up and you happened to glance down while looking for the North Star.
If you’re turning red right now, we can ask them to throw it in with the purchase and we just won’t talk about it. Everyone has their thing. It’s fine. It’s totally fine.
Either way, if you want to impress everyone you graduated high school with who made fun of you for having zits, but is still trying to be a neighborhood rapper at is 40 – then this is it.
Or maybe you’re just well off, worked hard all your life, still humble, and know you deserve something fancy. And let me tell ya, you do.
Hard work pays off and here you are ready to buy the ultimate home to enjoy the fruits of your labor. You deserve it.
Tell me what day you want to see this home.
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